Tartan ribbon on toilet rolls? This Edinburgh hotel is full of clichés

Let’s start with the really good stuff. I haven’t enjoyed service this superb in a long time. Whoever’s in charge of HR at Red Carnation Hotels deserves the day off, and a raise. 100 Princes Street in Edinburgh is the group’s first property in Scotland and blessed with brilliant and charming staff. 

They are all as good as the view of the castle across the gardens, which is now the best in the city. When I arrived, I sat on a leather club chair in the Wallace bar to get checked in and stared at the medieval landmark looming over Princes Street Gardens like a Disney villain’s lair. Instant dopamine. What a vista.

Now for the rest. 100 Princes Street may have a fairly low-key entrance on what has become one of the saddest shopping streets in the city (although the new Uniqlo has perked it up a bit), but once inside, the black paintwork, black marble, and absurdly heavy black doors with Captain Nemo brass detailing is overwhelming. 

There’s a ton of flashy LED strip and back lighting, and there are murals going up the staircase that depict the kind of international travels that members of the Royal Overseas League, who once gathered in the building, would have gone on. Early reports of the hotel suggested it was going to be “inspired” by Alexander McQueen, but I saw no evidence of this. There’s a lot of tartan here, but none with the MacQueen clan pattern.

100 Princes Street looks like a private members offshoot of Wetherspoons. Which is fine, in a way. Think it through: mass appeal and a huge success. Hundreds of yards of tartan fabric have been attached to the walls in an often-wonky fashion. 

There is an abundance of fake plants and flowers, as well as paisley textured leather, green velvet, and those wooden tables with green leather tops and faded gold borders that you find in junk shops. My parents had a nest of them in Penge when I was growing up, and I still associate them with 1970s acid-trip carpets, shell ashtrays and no bookshelves. 

Elsewhere, the sofas that seem opulent at first glance are all a bit DFS clearance sale, and someone has decided that each individual toilet roll and hand towel in the building must be tied up with tartan ribbon. Which is truly unhinged. As is the choice of not-quite-Comic Sans font for the TV menus.

When I first arrived at the hotel, I was shown to the gargantuan Archibald Signature Suite, which definitely inspired a “wow” when I walked in. But the vent for the air conditioning in the room has been covered by a giant wardrobe with a row of antique blue chemist’s display bottles on top of it. 

The temperature was stifling. Nothing could be done to lower it effectively. I moved to a Junior Suite higher up the building with a less dazzling castle view, but air that I could actually breathe. These things all usually get ironed out of course, as they should be – that first suite is £2,565 a night before breakfast (continental is £28 on top and cooked an ambitious £35).

I was surprised that more isn’t made of the view with the bar and dining room. Calling the Wallace a restaurant is a bit of a stretch. It’s more of a lounge where you can have a panini, fish and chips – or haggis bonbons. There is an accomplished wine list that goes into four figures, but not much in the way of food to warrant ordering from it (rather good wines are also available by the glass for around the £16 mark). 

They were out of oysters when I dined, so I asked for green olives to nibble. They arrived heated. Twice. Later on, my cheese was served fridge-cold. The waitress was bewildered and assured me she was on a mission to rectify everything for future diners. My steak was OK but came resting on a piece of paper branded with the hotel logo, on top of the plate. Is this a new Instagram thing? If it is, let me tell you, dead cow juice and a steak knife make that arrangement swiftly unphotogenic.

Edinburgh is one of the best cities in Europe for food. 100 Princes Street is missing a trick. If there was a mini version of, say, the Palmerston up here with this view, it would be sensational. As it is, I enjoyed chatting with the waitress way more than I normally would and felt a prolonged good feeling as I watched the sunset while drinking chardonnay. But let’s not end on that. Let’s end on some more really good stuff: the hotel uses sporrans for the do not disturb signs. Which is inspired, and as brilliant as tartan ribbon on toilet rolls is not.

Doubles from £410. There are two fully accessible rooms. For more information see visitscotland.com. 100 Princes Street, Edinburgh EH2 3AB (0131 287 3100).