Richard Madeley: ‘Is it too soon after my wife’s death to think about dating?’

Dear Richard,

Five months and 28 days ago my lovely wife Christine died from cancer. She was only 63; we were married for 42 years. Feeling that I had to “move on” – how I loathe that phrase – I booked a last-minute cruise, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

The problem I am wrestling with at 1.30am is that I met a lady on board – not a passenger, a member of the crew – who I can’t stop thinking about. One evening, we danced and talked until two in the morning: the more I got to know of her, the more I liked her.

Partly because she was “at work” and maybe just being nice to me because it was her job to be, partly because I felt guilty at the thought of my wife still barely half a year dead, I didn’t ask to see her again or try to find out whether she liked me at all.

But now I can’t get her out of my head. I know her first name and of course the name of the ship and the dates of the cruise, so I imagine I could track her down. But should I? Is it too soon to think of these things?

– Andrew, Warks

Dear Andrew

How can it be too soon? Because you’re already thinking about it, aren’t you? Not that you have made some kind of cold-blooded, heartless decision to sweep aside the past and focus solely on your present and future happiness, Andrew. But you simply cannot suppress your natural (and perfectly healthy) response to the stimuli of new relationships.

The fact is that you’re on your own now. You’re lonely and missing companionship and, yes, love and affection. It’s called being human. That’s absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Let’s just suppose for the moment that your wife was still with us, and that you’d gone on that cruise together. If you’d encountered this crew member you’d certainly have registered that she was attractive, but you wouldn’t be writing to me now asking if you should have an affair with her. That prospect wouldn’t have crossed your mind, would it?

But you’re no longer married: you’re a widower. And if there’s a statute of limitations on precisely when widowers (or widows) can embark on new relationships, I’ve yet to hear what it is. Is there some sort of sliding scale? Say, one year’s monastic self-denial for every decade of marriage/partnership? Longer, if it was an especially happy union; shorter, if it was a miserable one? That would mean you could be in your 70s before you were “allowed” to reach out to someone. It’s a completely artificial construct and bears no relationship to real life.

We’re all different. Some take years to adjust to bereavement before they’re ready to become involved with someone new. But the fact is that six months after losing your beloved wife, you – to your own obvious astonishment – find yourself considering another relationship. What are you supposed to do about that? Writhe in guilt? You’re in your 60s. You don’t know how much time you have left, but let’s face it, it’s unlikely to be more than 20 years or so, and not all of them necessarily in the best of health.

So yes, cherish the memories of your long and loving marriage. But accept the fact that we’re all programmed to seek happiness. And we’re only here once. Carpe diem, my friend: let’s hope this lady feels the same as you do.

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